Friday, April 14, 2017

Best for You

You being with me would be everything to me ...
If you don't know this by now, you never will love ...

However; what is MOST important FOR YOU - and what this - ALL OF THIS - has ever been about and will ever be about from my end ...

Is you KNOWING your value, and DOING what is best for you, in all aspects of your life -

I trust that you do know your value -
And you are doing what is best for you because of it dear heart...

Always the oOo's to your xXx's, even if you never want me to be,
-MJK-

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Everyone has a Chapter in our One Big Story ...

There is that quote I like from the film adaptation of GRAPES OF WRATH, where Henry Fonda says at the end:

"I guess a fella aint got soul of his own, just a little piece of one big soul ... the one big soul that belongs to us all."

I have quoted that before in previous blog posts, but I would like to stretch that sentiment out - in another I'm sure - hackneyed idea and non-original metaphor.

"We all have a chapter in this one big story, the ONE big story of LIFE concerning us all."

And you owe it to yourself - WHOEVER YOU ARE - and the world ... to share your chapter however you want ...

If you write - then write.

If you paint - then paint.

If you sculpt - then sculpt.

If you sing - then sing.

If you act - then act.

But it doesn't have to be any of those things!

Maybe your expression is cooking, or quilting, or being a coach for a little league team, or being a good listener and loving shoulder to a friend in need, or laughing at a friend's bad jokes (...if you're my friend, then you are underpaid in that department) ...

Heck! Even a donut has a story (...just follow the sprinkles around the glaze, and you will always end up with a hole story ... bad jokes ... me ... c'mon - you already know ...).

I write and get tattoos.

That's how I tell the stories of my chapter - but you do whatever God created you to do - FOR you - and FOR everybody.

Don't be scared to share. We all need each other's stories and we all need each other ...

And it is hard and painful to be honest and share .... I know that ... as well as anyone ... trust me...

But it's like a quote from THE WARRIORS OF VIRTUE (...yes the late 90's ripoff of the Ninja Turtles with the Taoist Kangaroos ... not the greatest of movies, but very creative on the whole, and when it has its moments - OH - it has its moments!!!):

"Everyone has a cocoon, it's the struggle to FREE ourselves that makes us WHOLE and gives us the STRENGTH to fly." [from the move WARRIORS OF VIRTUE]

This is so true ... so free yourself with your love expression - whatever that is ... be whole ... and fly - whoever and wherever you are reading this.


***


On another note:

This is what I wanted to say to you today ...

Last year was the best and worst of my life.

There were often times when I thought I was going to lose everything (in terms of my sanity, hold on life, what have you) and we all have those moments or seasons in life sometimes I know...

But - when you think about losing everything, you sometimes find the one thing or person you'd do anything for - and for me - that is you Mama Bear.

My love for you has nothing to do with you being a Queen Bee or Empress, and everything to do with you being EXACTLY  'the bug'  the Great Producer created you to be; whoever that is ... stripes, antennae, stinger and all.

I couldn't, or wouldn't, take anything back.

I admittedly play around and joke a lot in my writing and interactions, mostly as a defense and insecurity mechanism ... but I don't say things I don't mean when it comes to love and life.

And I have never, and WILL NEVER play around when I say things to and about you. You are my everything.

When it comes to love - I have been through enough false starts and smoke outs to know the real thing.

I've been through enough to know this is the real thing; the real thing for me anyway, as I have already said.

I love you because I CHOOSE to - and I will NEVER unchoose to ...

I promise, I promise, I PROMISE I didn't plan this all ahead. I had no intention of being in love with you, or anyone: ZERO.

I meant that when I said it before about thinking I had shelved romantic love for good in my own life - God's truth.

But when you did what you did - and shared what you shared in the beginning - not just with me, but with the whole world ...

That set something off inside of me - that I haven't been able to set off since - and that I don't think I would want to ... even if I could.

Again - I didn't even know you existed - not in real life (fantasy girls, false idols, and Animas are my strongsuit [actually my only suit] in the past ... not real girls):

But you are:

My Man Overboard girl ...

My All in ...

My Mama Bear ...

And now that I know you do exist - for me - I know it can never be anyone else.

'When you know, you know', which I thought was a total crock of pick your brand (...even for a guy with a BS degree, I wasn't putting a fork in that pile!), until I experienced it myself, when it comes to love.

I have never been more certain of anything in my life than my love for you. It is the greatest gift God has given me, and always will be.

'The God in you touched the God in me' (as Aaron Neville would say) at the beginning: and the rest proceeded, sprouted, bloomed, and blasted from there as far as I am concerned.

I know I love you because I can't not love you ... I've been trying to stop from the beginning - nothing works.

I know I love you because you gave me words again ... and then ... you made me run out of them.

I know I love you, because you are the ONE woman who finally - made me - BECOME a man.

And thank yous, love yous, and tattoos, will never be enough, as nothing has been ... but they'll have to do for now ...

Here's to whatever is next, whatever that may be for you, me, and the rest of the world ... and going on forever ... wherever that takes us ... until it all settles on the clouds with the stars and the angels in the heavens with everybody ... until then ...

All my love,
<3 MJK

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Regroup, Regrip, Refocus

Whew - 2016 was hellacious, wasn't it folks?

And the start to this new year has been pretty rough as well.

I don't know about you all, but for me personally, I had more ups and downs in that one year, then I have had in my whole life - both personally - and, in dealing with and soaking in world events that we are all having to deal with.

And I could go into so many things.

 (..."more issues than VOGUE" with this dude - courtesy of my HolyCrap daily calendar - really enjoying that right now).

But I am not going to.

The past is good to look back on and reflect on, but forward is the way we all need to go.

Life is like quicksand, no matter how slow you're trudging through it sometimes, you have to keep moving forward, or you are going to start to sink (...I know that has always been the case for me anyway).

So here are some ways I plan on moving forward:

(1) I applied for grad-school for Mental Health Counseling.  I really hope I get in, but if not, for whatever reason this application cycle, I will plan to keep trying until I do.

(2) I would like to get some more tattoos.  Now I don't know when or if this will even happen - but I do have some more ideas on this front, that I think would turn out pretty cool if I get a chance to do them, so we'll see. Maybe I will post pictures if I ever do get them done. I donno - my eyes are bigger than my stomach on this one right now.

(3) Writing: I know I said in a previous post that I think I had two more 'bug books in me', but I have since decided that it would be a stronger book if I combined it into just one story. So that is the story I am working on now.

I am not like Mr. Stephen King, and do not have the capacity, talent, or stamina to churn out books and stories like pancakes at an IHOP (...wish I did sometimes).

And I am also not (...nor will anyone ever again quite be - I believe) a Mrs. J.K. Rowling ... there aren't going to be 7 of these little 'bugger' books (...that's best for everyone's sake I'm sure).

I actually thought I was going to be done after the 1st one ... but there is some 'clean-up' work to do in terms of story.

As far as my writing goes from here, after this other bug story (Providence willing me finishing that), I am going to take a big break from writing.

I do have a few small ideas, but I don't know how good they would be.

But there is one big story and idea ... that I really hope I get a chance to write one day ... but it will be YEARS in the making ... I need to live and learn a lot more life before tackling that one, so we'll see.

In the meantime, I thought I would just give a quick sample of what I have been working on, and here's hoping I get a chance to finish it.

If I do, I haven't decided how I am going to distribute it yet.

 I used BookBaby self-publishing for the 1st one, but that was pretty pricey, and we'll just see how things go ... writing the thing is the 1st part anyway so ... going to take my own advice and "stay in my headlights" on that one.

Anyway, here is the quick sample and excerpt from one part of the story I am currently working on:

"The Sun was low and setting … then a piece of it started moving towards J.P.P. – closer – and closer – until it took a familiar form of golden yellow, and mocha striped six-leggedness … eyes and a smile that could save the world, that had saved the world, came into clarity. 

J.P.P. had no idea if what she was witnessing was real or a dream, but her little buggin' heart was pounding regardless.

The form moving towards the leggy little lady was topped with a familiar blue antennae band, that kept them dangling, neatly atop her heart shaped head.  

A new addition sat above The Queen of the Hiveyan Palace’s head as she emerged into sight … a halo … which J.P.P. always assumed she had possessed even on this side of the Great Meadow, but had always been too modest to flaunt.

The halo was almost as golden and pure … as the one in the Queen’s heart which had always resided there … since the bugginning ... and forever would reside there, no flappin' what ... J.P.P. McLeggins was certain of that."

That is just one sample, of one small part of the story; one of my more developed parts for now, but just wanted to let everyone know I did have something rolling along.

So like I said, it is my belief that we have to 'keep on scuttling on', even though it's going to be hard, even though we are all tired, we can do it - if we believe, love, and are there for each other - in whatever ways are best - for each other. 

Let's at least give it our best shot, the world needs it :)

I am going to try to take my own advice from the good Queen Bee in the 1st book: "Be the best you, let the Producer carry you through, and that's all anybuggy can do."

We all need to take that to heart I believe (...myself to the utmost).

So keep scuttlin', flappin', and crawling along everybuggy in your own ways, and with your own bugdeavors!  

I know I am going to do my best to provide more honey than sting going forward, and I hope you do too.

Time is always shorter than you think, so make the most of it while you can, we all need to remember that as well.

Just know ... whoever you are ... wherever you are ... we're all in this together. 

No matter what you are going through. You are not alone, and you never will be.

Take care, and BugSpeed to all (...and bug puns and prefixes ennnnnnnnnnnnd .... now ... I need a break ... or more coffee ... or both) -- all my love -- Kozy


Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Story so Far ... Yours to End

It's real.

I'm real.

Has been. Will be.

I wouldn't have busted it all open like this if it wasn't.

And I'm here -

Crazy,
Screwball,
Goofy,
Topsy-turvy,
Full of it most of the time, with no plunger in sight (...and then some),
And sometimes ... Terrible ...
me.

I'm here.

And I will be - as long as God keeps me rolling, and no one slashes my tires - on this same road of life we're all on.

I'm here, as long as God allows it, if you ever change your mind Mama Bear.  Even just to talk.

The only reason I have been TRYING to make you reach for me, instead of me coming for you, this whole time is ... I know how bad I want this - how real it is to me ... I just need to know it's the same for you.

I would cross universes for you ... and you know it. I just need to know you'd do the same for me.

If not  - if you won't - for whatever reason - then this is the back cover of the book.

And that's OK - if it's what you honestly want.

It's your part of the story to close ...

But the great thing about books - REAL books - that is to say ... is you can always re-open them ... if you ever want to :)

"Michael was paled and strained, 'I'm not going after her Miriam.'
'Have you and Amanda both gone mad!?' Miriam cried out - tears welling in her dark eyes, 'You don't understand.' How could she tell him. Oh God, what was she to do? She felt Paul watching them, and couldn't tell Michael everything Amanda had said to her in confidence. 'You've got to go after her - now - if you don't you may never find her again!'  
'I'm not going to look for her - not this time.'
'Not this time?'
'He means he has gone after her before and it hasn't done him any good,' Paul said. 'She hasn't changed since the day he met her.' Miriam turned on him; her face livid. 'Stay out of this, go hide in your cabin, go stick your head in the sand like you always do!' Paul drew back, shocked by her fury. Miriam turned back to Michael, clutching the front of his shirt, 'Michael, please go after her before it's too late!' He took her hands, 'I can't. Miriam, if she wants to come back, she'll come back - if she doesn't - then ... she doesn't.' Miriam put her hands over her face and wept. Michael looked up at Paul, and saw that he didn't intend to comfort the girl. Sighing heavily - he took Miriam in his arms. Her whole body was shaking with her sobs." [Ch. 28 REDEEMING LOVE - By: Francine Rivers]

I would make a pretty shoddy Michael in a lot of ways - but I'd always do my best (...or maybe you already have a 'Michael' - that would be nice - at least I would know that you were being taken care of - or maybe you don't want or need a Michael ... that's fine too, whatever you want) ... but you'll always be my "Angel" (i.e. Amanda, Tirzah, Sarah)  ...

A
L
W
A
Y...
(...You know the rest by now ...)
...S

THE END

Sunday, January 1, 2017

No More Punches to Pull

I’m going to do this while I have the nerve, lucidity (…if any of that was part of the deck to begin with), and red-beer in hand (whether this last faculty becomes an enemy or ally in this particular endeavor we’ll know by the end of the post…it will be a tasty downfall atleast).

Last song. Last punch to pull. (I bold italicized what I feel the most right now…God this band has been the soundtrack to my sad, pathetic, soggy as a bottom feeded and milked out frosted flake of a heart since I heard them back in 2012 … and you are every song of theirs for me from this album SELF TITLED – the highs and the lows … sorry for that)


            “Voted Most Likely"
 (MAN OVERBOARD – RISE RECORDS)

via azlyrics.com

Ruined again, what did I do? 
I’ve been caught up and distracted by you.
I held the moment in the palm of my hand and watched it crumble. 
I tried to understand how you could be so normal 
And I could be so awkward day after day.
 
I hate to break the bad news, but I am nothing like you. 
Still, you call me all day. 

Why is it that you touch me like you want me 
And you look me in the eyes like you’ve never seen a boy before me? 
Meet me at the back door so we can talk more. 
Now I’m asking myself what I broke your heart for.
 

I never wanted to embarrass you or say anything that wasn’t true. 
Left me wide open eating out of your hand. 
I watched your car leave. I didn’t understand. 
How I could be so stupid, how it got so confusing… 
Still tension in the air. If you want to hurt me, 
Then you should just desert me, now since you are aware.
 

Why is it that you touch me like you want me 
And you look my in the eyes like you’ve never seen a boy before me? 
Meet me at the back door so we can talk more. 
Now I’m asking myself what I broke your heart for. 

(Have we both really changed for the better? 
I count the hours until we’re together.)


I’ll most likely spend tonight alone. 
I’d throw a party but no one would come. 
I’ll be waiting outside till your car pulls up 
With butterflies slicing holes in my gut. 
I don’t want to ruin this again.

(Have we both really changed for the better? 
I count the hours until we’re together.)

Meet me at the back door just so we can talk more. 
Now I’m asking myself what I broke your heart for. 
Meet me at the back door.




No more punches to pull.

The truth is: no song, or poem, or quote – that I have posted – or would post … is enough.

None of it has ever been enough.

I can’t wish you away. I can’t think you away … and most painfully … I can’t write you away – which is a new one for me – that’s how I have always dealt with everything.

That “bug book” (as my avid [hardy har] supporters so tenderly call it) started with me and God, but He brought you in to finish it.

It wouldn’t have gotten done without your inspiration … that’s just the bolts and nails of it.

God started my story with me, but God finished it with you.

I love you.

I didn’t plan to. I didn’t mean to. It’s the LAST thing I wanted to do. I thought I was strong enough not to EVER be in love romantically … you have no idea how hard I worked to get to that point … how much God, and Providence, and the Angels had to mold and break me … to get me to that point where I truly thought I was safe from romantic love.

You have no idea mama bear.

 But it happened…

And while it scares the living hell out of me to love someone like this … I’m glad it happened …

God has always been my gas … but you’re a part in my heart that he needed to put in my engine to keep me rolling.

And you are either really endeared by that, or really creeped out by it … or at this point just over the whole thing – just over me - completely.

You probably are over the whole thing and me (…which  I wouldn’t blame you for at all, I’ve been over me for 28 years … I just haven’t found an escape yet unfortunately!).

That is to say, if you even thought about me at all. If any of this is even real.

It’s been real to me the whole time. I mean real for you though.

I don’t know if any of it’s real for you, which is fine.

That might be better for us both in the long run anyway.

Then I can finish again this sad, unrequited, impish soliloquy I’ve mastered so well and then be done with it for good (…even assholes run out of shit at some point, this one [i.e. me] has been more full of it than most, but I think the diaper is almost filled even for this super pooper).

If you did ever seriously consider me in any cognitive capacity, it was probably for a restraining order (“Why is it that everything I love is either: unhealthy, addicting, or has multiple restraining orders against me?” … Knew I couldn’t get by without a cheeser of a line but for so long … thought letting a bit of air out of the balloon might keep it from popping at this point…).

When I say I love you, I don’t mean your nationality, or skin color, or accent, or your figure, or even your eyes […though they are still the Gates to Heaven; have to call truth truth … all I need are your eyes, and you’ll never lose those love, even if you did lose everything else] …

And you can believe what you want - but I -

(1) DON’T GIVE A SHIT if you sing, dance, act, clap … or shovel out cages of elephant crap … I love you.

(2) I DON’T GIVE A SHIT if you wear your curls, or it straight, or if you’re as bald as Roald Dahl … I love you all in all.

(And I know a thing or two about the number 2 … I did get an online plumbing degree you know … hasn’t helped me clear my own system out yet … I’m still pretty full of it as far as I know).

There are really only 3 things I do care about at this point:

(1) Loving God
(2) Loving People
(3) Not hurting you

When I say I love you – I mean I love YOU – just the way you came out of Providence’s Gate.

If are good enough for God just the way you are, you are most certainly good enough for yourself, me, and anyone and everyone else.

My earlier cookie analogy while good was incomplete:

http://kozydabear.blogspot.com/2016/09/half-cookies-and-nacho-supreme.html

A wise friend and mentor liked my ‘two cookies on a plate’ idea, in terms of everyone being a whole cookie in God first, and then being added or not added with another cookie, but he expanded and elaborated as thus:

“When you find that other person … what God does is He takes your whole cookie (we decided I would be oatmeal raisin … probably a good fit … people don’t love it, but don’t hate it either, and it’s only tolerable with a big cup of something caffeinated or lactated) ROLLS YOU OUT back into batter … takes her (I told him you were a cinnamon sugar cookie, only sweetness and goodness all the way through, even if there is a bumpy spot or two, it’s still sweeter on you) … and he COMBINES you together, to make an ultra super Oatmeal Raisin Cinnamon Sugar Cookie … TOGETHER.”

I liked that idea better.

Because you have to be BEATEN back into batter … it is PAINFUL to be rolled out … and it is the choice of both cookies to COMBINE for the belief that their two sets of ingredients -  together - are better as one … and they trust the BAKER to do it RIGHT all the way through.

(it also helps that [if not in practice] I am a fatty at heart, and make food references OUT OF EVERYTHING).

I’ve made my choice – it’s you – it’s that simple for me.

But if you aren’t in all the way … there’s no point.

Or if you already have another cookie you’re working with … I don’t want to make a mess in the kitchen if you’re happy with a tastier cookie than me.

I can make anything work except a half effort.

I can only be given in return, what I am willing to give … which is everything.

It would be hard sometimes, you’d hate me sometimes.

But I will love you no matter what, and forever…

That’s MY choice.

I will be honest with you – my writing is the best and worst parts of everything I am.

You have all you need of me in my writing and this blog – the best and the worst (…at least that’s what I think).

And I can’t make many promises, but these are the promises I have already made.

(1) To love you more than my life. I always will. And you just have to tell me how you need it. And I will do as you ask, if it’s within my power and God’s will. (2) I will write for you as long as God enables me. (3) I will make you smile more than I will make you frown – and if I do make you frown – it’s only so I can make you smile again, and bigger than ever (4) If you can’t smile, because of the hardness or unfairness of life, I will frown with and hold you – if only in words and prayers … until we smile together.

If that’s good enough for you – then – as has been the case the whole time – it is your call. I owe you a chance to “meet me at the back door, so we can talk more,” if you want to. And if you want to, you pick the “back door” and I’m there.

If not … at least I laid my cards on the table.

Just know that I have taken many hits, and delivered many shots of my own, on the seas of love from my vessel … but I have always kept afloat … until you …

You sunk me on sight …
 The first and only one to do that …
 Well done.

So if you do decide “to meet me half way” or “at the back door” … you’ll have to bring your scuba gear … because I have been scuffing and mudding the bottom ever since.

If you don’t … then I guess we are “Over and Done With” for real – before we ever really even begun.

Which is ok – whatever is best for you is all that I TRULY – and HONESTLY – and EVER wanted from the beginning!!!

This cat and mouse online though – has got to stop – it’s driving us both bonkers (I was past bonkers way before this thing even began … but there was still hope for you before I started bear pawing the hive queenie … I’m sorry for any confusion and hurt I caused you unnecessarily – the thought of causing you any unnecessary pain could kill me if I let it. BUT - it was worth the risk to let you know how valued and loved you truly and always are … and I’d do it all again, for the same risk).

If this really is it – whether you give an out-right no – or “an omission of love by silence” [meaning you just don’t respond at all … which is what I expect … am used to … and deserve in all actuality] I will keep you in my stories and dreams … because keeping you that way, is better than losing you completely.

I will keep working. And I will keep starting my days with helping people, and end them with having many a red beer God willing. I will keep up my education God willing, and finish many more books on tape God willing (…my Audible plan won’t pay for itself you know). I will finish getting my tattoos God willing. And finish writing another book or 2 God willing. If not - if I run out of gas and God parks my car before all that - I will be in a better place, God willing.

BUT - while I am spending my time doing all of those things, or attempting to do all of those things, God willing … I will be loving and praying for you through it all … God willing.

I won’t quit you. Ever.

If I broke you. You need to know … you broke me too.

But if we give our pieces to God, He’ll fix our cookies for us … or maybe combine us into one big Oatmeal Raisin Cinnamon Sugar Cookie (…glad you’re bringing in the tasty part of that equation) … if it’s Providence's will … and your choice.

But regardless of any of that – my <3 – Always.

You've got it.

I want what's best for you - and I want you to be the best you that you can be.

And I will be any part of that equation you want me to be - big or little.

But only you and God can figure out YOUR BESTS Queenie. 

“You choose the road love, and I’ll make the vow, and I’ll be your true love forever.”
[High Kings – RED IS THE ROSE]

Take care. Be safe. Trust God. Love others. Love yourself. Allow yourself to be loved ... and ...

Bee well always Mama Bear :)


-Matt-

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Last Post for Awhile.

Like so many others, amidst the Donald Trump presidency announcement, I am signing off for awhile.

Whatever is demanded of me will be demanded of me as an individual and global citizen, just as it will be for you, and the whole world, going forward.  

I hope you will always follow the way of truth, justice ... and most importantly love ... in your own life and in the lives of others.

I read a book by Gregory Boyle called Tattoos on the Heart a month or so back.

He is a Jesuit priest and community worker, who has worked with Latino gangs in Eastern LA for over 30 years.

One part of his book that has stuck with me is the idea of "success" over "faithfulness".

He explains that in our world today, everyone wants to know how "successful" your movement, business, career, nonprofit, or what-have you is...

But he explains that Jesus never worried about being "successful"; He just cared about being "faithful."

“Success and failure, ultimately, have little to do with living the gospel. Jesus just stood with the outcasts until they were welcomed or until he was crucified — whichever came first.” 
[Gregory Boyle Tattoos on the Heart]

Boyle talks about how Jesus was "too liberal" for the conservatives, and "too conservative for the liberals," and so he just stood on his own ... with the right people, on the right sides, in the right times ... and just trusted God would be standing with him, on the right side of people and situations, as well.

I am going to leave one last time with a link to an online (free and available) "story series" I have written. 

The stories are a milieu of existential, political, spiritual, science-fiction, hard realities, tough talk, and most importantly love ... love above all things that I have written over the course of the past several years. 

And I am going to leave you with a line from one of my characters from the story, at a very climactic scene in one of the stories, as one of his comrades asks him what he is doing, as he is about to make a difficult decision -- in response he says:

"Always remember brother: many people say, or act, like they want to carry a cross … but when it comes to being nailed to one … they drop that cross, and hand their nails to someone else … not me … nail me to it today, and God willing, I will see you tomorrow…” [Uthman Thieves on the Cross -MJK]

Hopefully I can be as brave as the heroes I read and write about, and hopefully you will be too.

I think the ultimate compliment to the heroes, and stories of triumph and love - that we love - is to become our own heroes of our own story ... of our ONE BIG STORY ... this one we have together ... in this world, with and for, each other:

Here is the link - and hoping for us all - to be our own heroes, in our own ways, for the ONE story and world ... that connects us all:

https://raposs.wordpress.com/

Godspeed, Bless, and Be with, as always and for always,
Kozy (-MJK-)

[PS I miss you RocketGirl :) ... and I meant - do mean - and forever will mean every word, video, post, and quote that I ever shared ... and you can believe that or not, depending on whatever is best for your heart and spirit ... but it is the truth, and don't you ever doubt that ... <3 eternal, as always] 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

My gift, My heart

"This knight's trouble from his childhood-which he never completely grew out of, by the way-was that for him God was a real person: not an abstraction who punished you if you were wicked or rewarded you if you were good, but a real person like Guenever or Arthur or like anybody else...he was personal. Lancelot had a definite idea of what he looked like, and how he felt; and he was somehow in love with this Person. So Lancelot was not really involved in an Eternal Triangle: it was an Eternal Quadrangle, if you catch the idea, which was eternal as well as quadrangular. He had not 'given up' his mistress because he was afraid of some Holy Bogy, but he had been confronted by two people whom he loved. The one was Arthur's Queen, the other a wordless presence who had celebrated Mass at Castle Carbonek. Unfortunately, as so often happens in love affairs, the two objects of his affection were contradictory. It was as if he had been confronted with a choice between Jane and Janet; and as if he had gone to Janet, not because he was afraid that she would punish him if he stayed with Jane, but because he felt, with warmth and pity, that he loved her best. He may even have felt that God needed him more than Guenever did. This was the problem, an emotional problem rather than a moral one, which had taken him into retreat at his abbey, where he had hoped to feel things out. Still, it would not be quite true to say that Lancelot did not come back from some motives of magnanimity. He was a magnanimous man. Even if God's need for him was the greater in normal times, now it was obvious that his first love's need was pressing. Perhaps a man who had left Jane for Janet might have enough love inside him to return for Jane when she was in desperate need, and this love might be compared to pity or to magnanimity or to generosity, if it were not unfashionable, and even a little disgusting, to believe in these emotions. Lancelot, in any case, who was wrestling with his love for Guenever as well as with his love for God, came back to her side as soon as he knew that she was in trouble, and, when he saw her radiant face waiting for him under shameful durance, his heart did turn over inside its habergeon with some piercing emotion ... (The Ill Made Knight by T.H. WHITE p.247-248)."


"Heaven's Gate": 
(...as I will call you here, for you definitely are the Gate to Heaven on this side of the clouds for this bum ... there is no doubt about that)

NEVER 
let anyone treat you with less  goodwill, respect, value, love, gentleness, tenderness, and protection as you are worth - as God's precious daughter - and THE treasure to the world - you ALWAYS are and ALWAYS will be.

I have messed up a lot in life (...and will continue to do so I am sure, as long as I am alive).  I have a lot to apologize for, and will have a lot to continue to apologize for until they "plot my spot, and spot my plot." (...working in the decedent business, you learn to think "outside the box" with some of your analogies [there again!] ... if I didn't have bad jokes I'd have no jokes:)


Being serious though-


I have a lot to apologize for...


BUT - the one thing I will NEVER  apologize for ... is being in love with you ... because it's the best thing that's ever happened to me ... and it ALWAYS will be.


And that's God's truth if I know any at all...


Thank you.

(you be xXx's and I will be your oOo's)

Trust God. Take care. Be well.


<3 eternal
 -MJK-